1.16.2009

MLB Network, Baseball's Biggest Tease



Months ago, when I heard the first whispers of a cable network devoted to America's pastime, my knees weakened, mouth watered, and breath paused for as long as it takes Prince Fielder to get to first base. I envisioned my feet propped up, my hands resting behind my head, and my shoulders back as I spent hours of my days watching the breaking news in the world of baseball and all of the baseball styled coverage that I appreciate of the NFL Network.

Then, I learned that DISH Network would not be carrying the channel, which is now famously coined as the cable network with the largest launch, thus being watched in the most homes for a new network, 50 million. That little factoid of fame is slowly pouring salt into my wounds. To make matters worse, my family decided to switch satellite providers and go to AT&T Uverse within the next couple weeks, giving me hope that my dream channel would soon be mine. I was wrong. After a moment of googling, I discovered that MLB Network is being carried by just about every cable and/or satellite provider not named DISH nor Uverse. The heartbreak has begun to sink in. My hopes of listening to Matt Vasgersian and Harold Reynolds(right) dissect hours of game film and hot stove cooking are as gone as a Josh Hamilton Derby-Moonshot. Long gone. Way out of here. Out of every park not named Yellowstone. Obliterated. Smashed. Creamed. Cranked. Crushed. Walloped. Whirley-birded. You get it.

The absolute worst part of it all, is listening to the pleasure that my peers are getting as they watch the channel. For example the network aired a Cubs-Pirates affair from 1991, prompting Cub fans on message boards across the country to tune in, react, cheer, scream, holler, and then obviously wallow in the agony of defeat. I, as a true Cub fan missed out on the masochist party, and was forced to read post after post as my fellow baseball enthusiasts were treated to a ballgame.

I hate this, I truly do. And for all of you fortunate bastards that can watch the crap station from Secaucus, NJ, screw you, I don't care. Good for you, I'm glad you're happy, just don't inform me of the pleasure you partake within your own homes, your actions disgust me.

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